10th-string Offensive Tackle Winston Justice was arrested yesterday for letting Osi Umenyiora of the New York Giants attack Donovan McNabb repeatedly during one of the worst Eagles losses at the Meadowlands in recent memory.
Philadelphia police have booked Justice on charges of aiding and abetting an opponent’s gameplan, conspiracy to allow bodily harm to a delicate, soft-bellied teammate, and 12 counts of reckless endangerment, where Justice was observed putting on a stovepipe hat instead of his helmet and wearing a button nose at the line of scrimmage.
As they continue their investigation, authorities say they are close to identifying Justice’s accomplices which may include a stubborn Irish Mormon with a mean appetite who goes by the aliases “Big Red” or “Candyland Andy,” and who often goes around muttering “It starts with me.”
When asked if he intended to subject McNabb to relentless punishment, Justice said:
“Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Look at Frosty go”
“This was a group effort,” admitted Wide Receiver Reggie Brown, known to his associates on the field as Casper. “We wanted to see how that knee of his really was doing, you know, or whether it was just the same ol’ Donovan out there making his one read then running for his life.”
William Thomas, the starter who Justice replaced, smiled and said cryptically, “I hope he does another HBO interview soon.”
It is unclear how much jail time Justice might serve, although Jon Runyan did express frustration about the Giants game even if it was not what the media expected out of the usually reserved tackle.
“I’ve been protecting this guy all these years?” said Runyan. “I’ve wasted my life.”
When asked to describe his performance against the Giants, McNabb grinned.
“I like to think of myself as Forrest Gump after the ball is snapped,” he said. “It inspires me. Maybe I’ll get to meet the President. Yuk-yuk.”
McNabb mentioned that he recently placed a personal ad on eHarmony.com which reads that in his free time he “likes to lie on back on the turf and count clouds” and that he enjoys “long walks to the locker room after a loss.”
According to Justice’s lawyers, it is possible that these statements may exonerate Justice of any guilt since there is a well-known statute of limitations on the books regarding Number 5.
“You wanna know what the real crime is here?” asked Jim Johnson. “It’s not getting Reno Mahe the ball enough.”
“We’re lookin’ to rectify that,” Andy Reid responded. “We’ll get it done. I promise.”
by Gorilla Joe
Driving a go-cart erratically across the 50-yard-line, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid came onto Lincoln Financial Field as the Phillie Phanatic shortly before the game with the Detroit Lions on Sunday.