10th-string Offensive Tackle Winston Justice was arrested yesterday for letting Osi Umenyiora of the New York Giants attack Donovan McNabb repeatedly during one of the worst Eagles losses at the Meadowlands in recent memory.

Philadelphia police have booked Justice on charges of aiding and abetting an opponent’s gameplan, conspiracy to allow bodily harm to a delicate, soft-bellied teammate, and 12 counts of reckless endangerment, where Justice was observed putting on a stovepipe hat instead of his helmet and wearing a button nose at the line of scrimmage.

As they continue their investigation, authorities say they are close to identifying Justice’s accomplices which may include a stubborn Irish Mormon with a mean appetite who goes by the aliases “Big Red” or “Candyland Andy,” and who often goes around muttering “It starts with me.”

When asked if he intended to subject McNabb to relentless punishment, Justice said:

“Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Look at Frosty go”

“This was a group effort,” admitted Wide Receiver Reggie Brown, known to his associates on the field as Casper. “We wanted to see how that knee of his really was doing, you know, or whether it was just the same ol’ Donovan out there making his one read then running for his life.”

William Thomas, the starter who Justice replaced, smiled and said cryptically, “I hope he does another HBO interview soon.”

It is unclear how much jail time Justice might serve, although Jon Runyan did express frustration about the Giants game even if it was not what the media expected out of the usually reserved tackle.

“I’ve been protecting this guy all these years?” said Runyan. “I’ve wasted my life.”

When asked to describe his performance against the Giants, McNabb grinned.

“I like to think of myself as Forrest Gump after the ball is snapped,” he said. “It inspires me. Maybe I’ll get to meet the President. Yuk-yuk.”

McNabb mentioned that he recently placed a personal ad on eHarmony.com which reads that in his free time he “likes to lie on back on the turf and count clouds” and that he enjoys “long walks to the locker room after a loss.”

According to Justice’s lawyers, it is possible that these statements may exonerate Justice of any guilt since there is a well-known statute of limitations on the books regarding Number 5.

“You wanna know what the real crime is here?” asked Jim Johnson. “It’s not getting Reno Mahe the ball enough.”

“We’re lookin’ to rectify that,” Andy Reid responded. “We’ll get it done. I promise.”

In a shocking development on NBC’s Sunday Night Football, player-turned-commentator Tiki Barber ate his own tongue.

When Chris Collinsworth asked the ex-Giants running back what his thoughts were about the game, Tiki replied, “Wah-wah-wah-uh, wah-wah, uh-wah.”

Producers immediately cut to a commercial while they examined Barber’s mouth and indeed discovered an empty hole.

In a related story, it has been reported that Barber visited a gynecologist recently and placed his head in the stirrups. When the doctor asked what he was doing, Tiki opened as wide as he could and pointed to the speculum in the doctor’s hand.

“I wasn’t sure what he was trying to tell me,” said the doctor, who asked to remain anonymous. “I’m not sure I’ve ever treated a vaginal disease like that before. Disgusting.”

NBC execs are considering whether to continue Barber’s contract after the current NFL season has ended.

“It’s not very attractive,” said one Fox producer. “But it’s possible we could use him on the sideline beside Tony Siragusa for brief cutaways.”

“Anyone looks good beside Siragusa,” the producer added, “even a guy who opens his mouth and doesn’t say anything.”

On Tuesday, the maker of Vitamin Water, Glacéau, unexpectedly ended Donovan McNabb’s endorsement deal with the company after thousands of Eagles fans complained that the water was largely ineffective, judging by the quarterback’s performance against the Giants this past Sunday night. 

President Mike Repole defended his company’s product, saying “Vitamin Water gives athletes the strength and stamina they need in physically strenuous circumstances.”  

Referring to McNabb he added, “Some bodies, however, reject the vitamins.” 

CEO J. Darius Bikoff stood behind the decision, claiming they gave McNabb the benefit of the doubt. 

“We ran through the gamut of offerings with Donovan,” said Bikoff.  “First we had him try kiwi-strawberry Focus, then peach-mango Endurance, and finally tropical citrus Energy . . . nothing seemed to work.”

Going against management recommendations, McNabb gravitated toward other drinks in the line, particularly the guava B-relaxed, the green tea Rescue, and fruit punch Revive products. 

“They are the sweet ones,” he told the media, “Makes me think of candy.  Plus, I like to feel nice and mellow when I come up to the line of scrimmage.”

Crowds at stadiums across the country would not disagree.  Some head coaches have even expressed fear in letting their quarterbacks drink Vitamin Water. 

Jeff Garcia, the new Tampa Bay quarterback, who has had a few razor-sharp games says that while in Philadelphia last season, McNabb tried to hold him down and make him drink the B-relaxed flavor. 

“I resisted,” said Garcia.  “I was afraid there might be some kind of sedative or roofie in it.” 

Some upset Eagles fans blame Vitamin Water for weakening their quarterback’s bones and have been urinating in empty VW bottles and leaving them at the entrance to the NovaCare complex.  League officials are investigating.

McNabb, however, hasn’t let this sudden loss of a high-profile sponsor bother him.  In fact, he is rumored to be close to signing a 5-year $20 million dollar endorsement deal with Good Humor Ice Cream. 

“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!” he yelled out after the game this weekend, taking a waffle cone out of his locker.  “I can’t wait to put on the white suit and white hat.” 

Andy Reid declined to comment on his quarterback’s suggestion that they turn the Eagles team bus into an ice cream truck, with merry-go-round music blaring from a speaker on top.  Good Humor executives, however, are thrilled with the idea and say they plan to get in touch with the Eagles’ front office soon.

Head trainers for the Eagles have been checking out #5 for neurological symptoms resulting from being sacked 12 times, but Wilma McNabb insists that her son has always been a little silly.

The Lyrics

I’d do as many drugs as humanly possible.

I would adopt a cute puppy and name him Pattycake.

I would write any number of federal prisons and ask if they get DirectTV in HD with Sunday Ticket.

I would advise little children against having friends who call themselves P-Funk. 

I would change my nickname from Ookie to Ickie (as in I feel really Ickie eating soggy cabage and cornmush).

I’d accept the 1.2 million dollar offer from the Nigerian diplomat who died suddenly without next of kin and who needs my bank account number in order to wire me the funds– immediately.

I would see if the Arizona Cardinals want to sign me for a 2-year deal as their starting QB 5 years from now.

I would send Roger Goodell an “I’m sorry I lied to you” fruit basket.

I would send Arthur Blank an “I’m sorry you couldn’t get me out of this thing too” bouquet of white roses.

I would write Rex Grossman and tell him now that he has some free time, to come visit me between the hours of 10 pm and 6 am.

I would go see Bambi to improve my public image, but try not to laugh when Bambi’s mom gets shot.

I would make a public statement to all my remaining supporters out there wearing my #7 jersey, saying:  “Thank you for all your support.  But stop.  You look ridiculous.”

I would make a guest appearance at the next ESPN special town meeting and insist they have a dunking booth in which I would spend the next several hours as audience members took turns throwing beanbags at the dump lever.

I would see if there was a prison equipment manufacturer that needed a spokesperson with good name recognition.

I would count my blessings that I wasn’t on the NFL disability plan (being in prison is better).

Question is, what would you do . . . if you were Michael Vick????

Get your Dallas Sucks mug today and drink from it during this Sunday’s game!!!!!! 

Impress all your friends.

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From the Eagles’ Huddle:

“Bird-64-Stunt-Right-3Yard-Out-Route-Flat”

From the White House Huddle:

“Draw-Trap-Reverse-Slant-Hook-End-Around-Sweep-Iran-On-3″

From the Giants’ Huddle:

“Oh what’s the point.”

From the Packers’ Huddle:

“Just go long or something.  Ya seen my gun?”

From the Dallas Huddle:

“Chick-In-Blue-Romo-Sign-D12-Large-Chest-On-Right”

From the Patriots’ Huddle:

“Did we get their plays yet?”

From the Vick Defense Team Huddle:

“We’re f***ed.”

Fact, Brian Westbrook is the Rodney Dangerfield of running backs.

Fact, Donovan McNabb played with cheeseburger power against the Lions.

Fact, Juqua Thomas is The New Freak (without dumb penalties).

Fact, Andy Reid challenges Frodo to a thumb-wresting Best of Three throwdown, Frodo beats Reid, Frodo gets ring. 

Fact, Eagles dress like Power Rangers, Eagles win.

Fact, Jeremy Shockey is Maximus Prime.  Brian Westbrook is Ultimate Bumblebee.

Fact, Tom Coughlin and the Emporer in Star Wars are the same person.

Fact, Tom Coughlin cannot throw evil blue electricity out of his fingers.

Fact, the Giants machine is NOT yet fully operational.

Fact, Dallas may be good, but they still suck.

Fact, T.O. deserved the money we should have paid him. 

by Gorilla Joe

Lion no king of jungle.  Gorilla score many points.  Make Lion roll over.  Href.  Bunkley bang Kitna on turf.   Joe eat banana.  Make Rhea eat banana.  Cheer.  Ar-umpf.

Nabb make Joe happy.  Pass good.   Joe make fans mad.   Pass gas.  Gorilla gas bad.  Win big in first half.  Fans no care. 

Game over first half.   Href.   No get Westbrook hurt.  Joe tell Reid use Hunt.  Use Buck.  Use Joe.  Joe undrafted.  Bang Reid on bench if no listen. 

Joe swing from press box.  Rhea try escape.  Joe get real lion.  Keep Rhea in seat.  

Joe watch Bear eat Cowboy.  Hot cold Grossman.  Nabb hot today.  Cold in big game.  Ar-umpf.  Kolb get practice.  Lions chase Kolb.  Pounce fast.  Welcome to league.  Kolb keep trying.  You good soon. 

No like Sunday Football America.  Try too hard.  Madden no like Joe.  Joe make Madden bus smell.  That long time ago.  Href.  Joe think big game still on Monday. 

Want green jersey back.  Remind Joe of jungle.  Mean rhyme green.  Ar-umpf. 

Eagle kill Lion 56-21

Driving a go-cart erratically across the 50-yard-line, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid came onto Lincoln Financial Field as the Phillie Phanatic shortly before the game with the Detroit Lions on Sunday.

“It surprised everybody,” said Defensive Coordinator Jim Johnson. “Words can’t describe the delight with which we watched him drive out of the tunnel.”

In a move designed to get his team excited about playing, Reid butted his large green chest against an astonished Brian Westbrook and immediately picked up his play-calling card and began studying it.

When reporters gathered around, asking him questions about the new look, Reid stuck out his long pink tongue, grabbed his belly, and shook it, then pointed exaggeratedly toward the Lions’ sideline.

Detroit’s head coach Rod Marinelli said he was pleased that Reid would have to rely more on his upstairs booth personnel during the game.

“He won’t be able to see the field as well, which is a great advantage for us,” said Marinelli.

It seems that longtime Eagles announcer Merrill Reese and waterboy/journalist Dave Spadaro helped Reid plan the spectacle and keep it secret.

“Not even Jeffrey Lurie knew about it,” Reese admitted.

According to Spadaro, instead of throwing out the red challenge flag, Reid will use a mobile hot dog launcher to get the officials’ attention if there’s a questionable call. Security guards will also be set up around the launcher throughout the game to prevent Quarterback Donovan McNabb from playing with it and eating all the hot dogs.

Not everyone was thrilled with the development. Across Pattison Avenue, at Citizens Bank Park, the Phillies front office expressed disappointment that they were stuck with an eagle as their mascot during a pennant race.

“Young kids will look at him and cry,” said GM Pat Gillick. “It’s not right. I hate Swoop. I wish he would catch fire on top of the visitor’s dugout.”

Tight End Brent Celek, who should see considerable action in place of the injured L. J. Smith, hoped that Reid wouldn’t get in his face too much if he made a mistake.

“Those eyes and that bugle-shaped nose. Ooof,” said Celek. “You don’t wanna screw up.”

It is unknown whether Reid will conduct his press conference as the Phanatic, but members of the media believed they would get a lot more information from him if he did. Others expressed relief.

“Not to have to hear him say ‘Time’s yours’ for once would be a blessing,” said columnist Les Bowen. “Let’s go Phillies.”